LOVE!!!

I’m sure that LOVE must be the most popular word in the world! Who doesn’t talk about love? Who isn’t interested in love? Love sells! When you are talking about love, it is guaranteed that you will have an audience.

Of course, there are different kinds of love; or should I say love is used in different contexts at different times for different purposes.

We, the Christians, have our own brand of love called the Agape love. Agape derives its name from the ancient Koine Greek lingua. It was translated into the English language to mean love and it was appropriated into Christian theology to mean the love of God or Christ for humankind. It refers to the covenant love of God for humans, as well as the human reciprocal love for God. This also extends to the love of humans for their fellow humans. This ‘brand’ of love is often regarded as the purest and most unselfish kind (even though all types of love are supposed to be unselfish).

But at least, Agape love has a fixed definition. Not so with the other ‘types’ of love. As diverse as the faces of the people on this planet are, so also are there diverse interpretations and analysis of love.

Some will tell you that love is a profoundly tender affection for another person. Some will say it is a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. Yet others will say that it should be a purely altruistic emotion and state of being. Many say that it is sacrificial. They opine that the hallmark of true love is sacrifice and that there should be sacrifices and compromises by both parties.

I have discovered that when it comes to love, every man is a poet! People wax so philosophical when the issue is love and it seems nobody is safe from falling under Cupid’s spell.

A lot of the enduring movies of all time were based on great love stories. Think “Titanic”. Think “Sleepless in Seattle”. Think “Armaggedon,” and you’ll understand what I’m saying better.

A lot of the bestselling books also have love as a major part of their plot. Songs have a better chance of selling out if they are based on love, and so it is no wonder to find a lot of musicians crooning about love/sex. I’m tempted to use the words “love” and “sex” interchangeably because in the world of today, these two words are often misconstrued to mean the same thing.

Some people say that love doesn’t exist but they never shy away from hiding under its cloak to perpetrate crimes of love. For people like that, love is a readily available tool of deceit to help them in achieving their selfish aim.

Love wears many hats as a matter of fact. Earlier on, I mentioned how love is responsible for the success of a lot of films, books and basically the pop culture in its entirety.

However, love is also responsible for most of the violent crimes, war and injustice ever perpetrated in the history of the world.

Battles have been fought all because of love! A lot of the deadly clashes between cultists in a lot of our higher institutions started all because of love (even the toughest of hearts are not love proof!). The story of life begins with love, and yet love is also the story of death.

Pause!!!! Let’s think in another direction. Does love truly exist? Is it something that is achievable or just a myth that has been so perpetuated in our mindscape over the centuries that we now take it to be the tangible reality?

Or maybe love did exist, but has long gone extinct together with dragons and dinosaurs? Or maybe love should be redefined. Nowadays, love has a very short life span. It seems to be for good for better for best. Nobody is ready to stick with you when it’s bad so if it ever gets worse, you are guaranteed to be on your own. Love is nowadays based on the benefit that is derived from the person who is being loved. For example, a girl will keep loving her boyfriend as long as he keeps the cash flowing in her direction (I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “No romance without finance”). A guy will also stay in love with a girl so long as she gives him a piece of the action regularly. It’s sick!

Everywhere I turn, I hear people talking about love and my stomach revolts. I rarely see love in action. I used to think it was an African thing but now I know better.

Even the Caucasians who I always thought were priests of love are as guilty as the rest of the human race. A white man will buy you flowers; open the car door for you, even lick your toes every night but he will also readily abandon you the moment his fascination with you ebbs. That is why you hear of marriages that last for all of three hours. Like seriously!

Love is a scam! Ask the yahoo boys and 419ers, and they will tell you that a lot of their formats are baited with the promise of love. Love is universal, and so it easily scales the barriers erected by culture, religion and race. A lot of billions of dollars have been lost in the name of love.

Personally, I think love is over-rated. I believe that it exists but it’s not the utopia that we often imagine. Love is more work than fantasy. It is easy to fall in love, but it is harder to stay in love. Falling in love could be spontaneous but staying in love is a conscious decision that you have to make and remake over time. Love must endure certain tests and challenges before it can really be called LOVE. Just like buildings and other products undergo stress tests to ascertain their durability, so also must love pass through the fire of time before it can be properly formed.

Enough of the fast food type of love that a lot of young people practice these days. Inasmuch as love can easily be faked and can be used to deceive, love is also the most beautiful thing on earth for by loving we create, find and then love ourselves. A soul that does not love cannot have peace.

The love story of my parents have proven to me that love does exist and it is in fact a major part of our lives.

I see a lot of things telling me otherwise in the real world, but I believe that true love is achievable although it is difficult to maintain. Love means different things to different people, but to me, I think love is shelter. If you are truly loved and you love people, even if it’s raining bombs and missiles outside, you will find comfort in the hands of your loved ones.

However if there is no love in a person’s life, even if the world is as serene as a dream, such a person will be in internal turmoil because there is no outlet to express his/her feelings.

Love is overrated, but sly devil that it is, its importance can never be overstated.

Work towards love!

HYPOCRISY

What better way to understand a word than to study its definition? Or isn’t it said that when purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable?

Anyhow, I’m writing on hypocrisy today, and even though I’m fairly certain that I know what it means, I’ve decided to look for the dictionary meaning anyway.

Hypocrisy means:

1.      A pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.

2.      A pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude.

3.      An act or instance of hypocrisy.

With the three definitions above, the most recurring word is ‘pretense.’ To simplify it then, hypocrisy means pretense.

Funny! I believe that everybody pretends or puts up an act one way or the other, so are we all hypocrites?

Some people might even take up arms against me and claim that they do not pretend, but it’s not an argument worth having; everybody pretends!

The best way to live life is to be yourself, but a friend of mine once made an observation that it doesn’t always pay to be yourself! There are instances when a person will have to act more composed or ‘tushed’ to fit into their present environment.

After all, you wouldn’t act the same way you act with your wife with your boss at the office. You may be an outspoken person by nature, but there will be times when you will need to leash yourself and act reserved.

When you get to a new place, there is usually a period of acclimatization whereby you keep your real self under the surface and study the people and things around you before unveiling the real you.

Now, I regard all these as normal. What I find abnormal, nauseating and annoying is the extent to which some people practice hypocrisy. It is manifested in different forms and most times it is despicable because it is often meant to demean another person. I have never understood it!

I remember sometime ago when I was walking with a friend on campus. We sighted a classmate of ours who we didn’t talk to much coming in the opposite direction. The guy didn’t see us, but my friend called out to him and greeted him with broad smiles. Of course, I thought that my friend was happy to see the guy. But hardly had the guy moved on than my friend hissed and called the guy a thief. He told me that the guy was caught stealing in his hostel the night before and as such, he was going to be avoiding the him. My mouth dropped open as if I was seeing extra terrestrial life forms in HD.

“You want to avoid him, yet you called out to him even when he didn’t see you. How does that make any sense,” I asked.

My friend laughed and explained to me that he was just being diplomatic, and that he didn’t just want to ‘free’ the guy like that. Hmmm……

I know some people may see some warped logic in that scenario but I just feel it’s pointless.

If you feel a certain way towards a person, you should be man/woman enough to be upfront with the person concerned as to where your feelings lie. That way there wouldn’t be any assumptions by both parties.

Sadly however, a lot of us are like that my friend. Or even worse!

We have perfected hypocrisy so much that it has become an art form.

A lot of people go to church and mosques but are morally bankrupt. Sometimes, I reason that if we spend half the time we spend on pretending to be holy to actually be holy, then Nigeria would be a paradise here on earth. Or isn’t the paradox so obviously puerile? Come on, who are we kidding. We all act so religious, yet the corruption indices in our country has never been higher!

A lot of people will hide blood in their mouth and spit out snow white saliva. Some will laugh heartily with you but the instant you turn your back, they will begin to plot how they will kill you or bring you down.

The heart of man is despicably wicked, even the Bible says that much. You can only know who you love and not who loves you. Even your closest friends might be your worst enemies. A smile is supposed to convey trust, a bond and acceptance, but often smiles are used to disguise vile intentions. Some people will spend time in elaborate greetings with their enemies, all for the sake of putting up an appearance. Wouldn’t the world be a better place, if you show your enemy pointedly that you are enemies? No smiles, no chit-chat!

 Many people go to school and pretend to be civilized and educated, when truly they are tribalistic, irrational savages. Plenty go to church and act all pious when just beyond their façade of meek humility lies egoistic, arrogant, dishonest, wicked, selfish and cruel personalities.

Not a lot of people speak the truth any more, and therein lies one of our greatest problems in this country. A lot of people are closet critics and analysts. When they are in the comfort of their homes with family and friends, they would itemize the flaws of the government and list ways by which they believe the problems could be rectified. They would rave and rant about how they had imbeciles for leaders.  But when this same set of people get to forums or other public places, where their voices should be heard, they will smile like cowards and pretend that all is well.

A lot of our musicians are hypocrites. Many of them sing about what they cannot dream of doing even in ten lifetimes added together. Some of them claim to be Fela’s disciples, but the only thing they mimic is his style of clothing when they know it will help them sell more records. How many of them are engaged in continuous constructive criticisms of our bereft leaders? I can count them on the fingers of one hand!

Even our Pastors and Imams are not left out! Some of them are professional hypocrites who hide under the garb of diplomacy to hide their spinelessness. Not many of them have the courage to speak the truth!

Like I stated earlier, I believe that hypocrisy is what has made the sore called corruption to fester so badly in our lives. We need to start being real and straight forward as a people.

Hypocrisy meter

If you are an aristo, let the world know who you are, instead of pretending to be holier than thou. If you are a thief, let the world know you for what you are, instead of letting people call you ‘alfa’ while you plunder the public till mindlessly.

Stop the bloody pretense!

ARE YOU A GOOD WOMAN?

The first question some people will ask is, who is a good woman? What defines good? What does a woman have to do to be termed good? Does she have to be exuberantly beautiful to fit that tag? Should she be a mother figure, an encourager….or perhaps a guardian angel?

Sometimes, when I want to tease, I ask girls if they think they are ‘good.’ They readily squeal that they are. I then proceed to ask them what makes them good. They usually begin to stutter at that point.

Essentially, labelling a thing as good usually opens room for wide debate. What is good for one man may be bad for another. But we will all agree that there are ‘universal’ expectations as to how a responsible girl (spinster) should comport herself to befit the status of a good girl.

A good girl must be wise enough to realise that she is a strong independent woman. She should be focused, intelligent and fore-sighted. She must have concrete plans for her future viz self and career development.

A good girl should be humble and ready to sacrifice. A relationship is like cooking a pot of stew. You have all the ingredients, but the soup isn’t ready yet. You have to go through the stress of cutting, washing and grinding the pepper. You also have to bear the heat of cooking while adding the right condiments and spices. As everybody knows, two people might have the same ingredients, but their product will defer.

A good girl must be ready to cut off the bad sides of her partner. Wash him with love and understanding, and then grind him in the engine of trust and time to produce a beautiful and good soup that would be the envy of all.

A good girl should live with the understanding that she is a ‘vision helper’ to her man. Perhaps our President wouldn’t have so much ‘goodluck’ if he didn’t have ‘patience’…lol. She needs to believe firmly in the vision of her man, and should be a source of inspiration to him.

A good girl knows her man: his weaknesses, strengths, likes, dislikes, fears, temperament…..virtually everything about him. A good girl should be an anchor to her man. A balance. His equilibrium point.

She should be the one to caution him about his spending and saving habits. Advice him, as a woman, on the necessity of a man having tangible investments.

Truly, no man is a saint. Men have their faults, but a woman has to overlook her man’s fault sometimes and focus on his strengths. No man is perfect, so there will be lots of things he’s not dong right.

If he is not as caring as he should be, she should take the lead and blanket him with love and care while letting him know that she wouldn’t mind more tender loving care(TLC) herself.

If her man has some negative or irritable habits like procrastination, lackadaisical attitude or drunkenness, the good girl should act like a mother and nurture him into a better person. She should see beyond what he is at the moment and think about his bright and rewarding future.

A good girl should be forgiving. She must regard every mistake of her man as bricks that will build a strong relationship foundation.

A good girl should be ready to be a good mother. A molder of upcoming generations, for women have an enormous responsibility of being the mothers of nations.

A good girl is a virtuous woman. A crown for the head of her man. The Holy Bible says ‘her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her…..she will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.’ Need I say more?

A good girl is an asset any man would die to have. Ladies, the gauntlet has been thrown to you. You cannot give what you do not have. Equip yourself and work towards being the best that you can be. No man wants to be tied down to a liability.

ARE YOU A GOOD MAN?

I know a lot of people will ask, who is a good man? What defines good? What does a man have to provide to be termed good? Does he have to be stinking rich to fit that tag? Should he be a father figure, an encourager….or perhaps a protector? I perceive that many will even turn up their noses and scoff that there is no good man on planet earth.

A guy who cheats on his girl might regard himself as a good guy because he spends on her. On the other hand, a guy who is stingy, temperamental and insensitive could score himself as a good guy because he doesn’t cheat on his woman.

 Essentially, labeling a thing as good usually opens room for wide debate. What is good for one woman may be bad for another. But we will all agree that there are ‘universal’ expectations as to how a responsible guy (bachelor) should comport himself to befit the status of a good man.

A good man must be responsible enough to realise that he is a man. He is a provider. He has been automatically cast by nature to take the lead role. By virtue of his perceived strength, he is a role model. He should be focused, intelligent and fore-sighted. He must have concrete plans for his future viz self, family and career development.

A good man should be humble and ready to sacrifice. A relationship is like building a house. You have to cast aside bad and weak bricks, and use good strong ones for construction. Sometimes, you have to tear a part of the building down to get a better structure. You also have to bear the pain of hurting yourself while building. You will also agree with me that two people might spend the same amount of money on a building but the result will vary.

A good man must be ready to prune off the bad sides of his partner. Plaster her with wisdom and corrections, and then paint her with love and understanding to produce a beautiful and durable structure that would be the envy of all.

A good man should live with the understanding that he is a ‘vision builder and helper.’ His woman looks to him for advice, support and direction and he should be ever ready to provide it for her. Perhaps there  wouldn’t be a Tara House of Fashion today if there was no Fela Durotoye  as a pillar of support for her. He needs to believe firmly in the vision of his girl, and should be a source of inspiration to her.

A good man knows his woman: her inadequacies, strong areas, likes, dislikes, fears, temperament…..virtually everything about her.  A good man should be a rock for his girl. A shield. Her refuge and safe haven.

He should be the one to caution her about her pettiness. Advice her, as a man, on how to behave properly in public, with friends, family etc.

Truly,no woman is an angel. Women have their faults, but a man has to overlook his girl’s shortcomings sometimes and focus on her strengths. No woman is perfect, so there will be lots of things that she’s not dong right.

If she is not as courteous as you would want her to be, you should take the lead and subtly teach her about the essence of etiquette. Envelope her with love and care while shaping her into a lady of class and status.

If a woman has some negative or irritable habits like procrastination, lackadaisical attitude or lying, the good man should act like a father and nurture her into a better person. He should see beyond her physical beauty and seek out the beauty of her soul.

A good man should be forgiving. He must regard every mistake of his girl as bricks that will build a strong relationship foundation.

A good man should be ready to be a good father. A shaper of upcoming generations, for men have the solemn responsibility of being the head of the family.

A good man is a diligent male. The pride of his woman. And the glory of his family.

A good man is an asset any woman would die to have. Brothers, the mantle has been thrown to you. You cannot give what you do not have. Equip yourself and work towards being the best that you can be. No woman wants to be hooked to a loser and failure.

MR. AND MRS. ENDOWED

A house in Victoria Garden City. A Lexus, three Toyotas, and one Maserati parked in the expansive garage. A six digit account balance, plus gold chains, wrist watches, bracelets, ear rings, nose rings......gold everything.

That is the kind of life that a lot of us envisage when we think about the good life. And that’s just to start. Most of us also want to have yachts and private planes.

Well, you’re not wrong to think that way! I’m also in your camp.

I fantasize about living a very comfortable life with billions at my spending pleasure. I think about wining and dining with presidents and heads of states. I want the good life!

Wanting the good life is not bad. The problem lies in not having the right perspective of what a good life is.

Money is very important. I would be a raving lunatic to propound otherwise. Even the Holy Bible says, ‘Money answereth all things.’ The place of money can never be over stated! But then brother, my sister....money should never be your goal.

A lot of us go to school and read diligently all in a bid to get the ‘almighty’ certificate. Many of us are not genuinely on a quest for knowledge. We do whatever it takes to pass, forget about the subject totally, and move on to the next course. We do not read to equip our minds. We read to regurgitate. Garbage In Garbage Out (GIGO). That’s what we do!

However, a huge portion of the blame for that lies on the shoulders of the government. The universities are not adequately equipped to be the citadels of learning, wisdom and knowledge that they are meant to be.

The laboratories are merely functioning, and sometimes, students have to contribute money to get the job done. The lecturers are always grumbling about non payment of salaries. Tell me, how can they function optimally?

But enough said! No matter the circumstances, we should continually increase our mind power.

In this rapidly changing world, information is the highest currency that a person can have. Your certificate is only as good as the paper on which it’s printed on. Uhm, uhm.

The proof of your education lies in your mind. Mark Zuckerberg dropped out of Harvard in 2004 to begin Facebook. He was barely twenty at the time.

This was a young man who realised that his mind is not bound by school walls or library doors. He accepted that his mind is limitless, and he tapped into that potential to create program that billions of people all over the world can’t do without.

Mind power. That’s the real asset!

When this understanding dawned on me (Don’t forget, I said I’m also in your camp), I had a re-awakening.

I re-ordered my priorities and vowed to soak up as much information as I possibly could. But not just for the heck of it, I decided to merge and weld information together to create things of my own.

That’s the good life, I tell you! Creating things that will give other people joy. Things that will inspire millions of others into creating things of their own. Awesome!

The human mind is bestowed with a unique ability to soak up more information than you can think of. As a matter of fact, a group of psychologists once stated, after research, that the average human being utilizes only about 20% of his/her brain power. Wetin we dey take the remaining do? We wan chop am (What do we want to do with the remaining space? Eat it?)

Seriously. You might not have the physical attributes of ‘Superman,’ or ‘Wonder girl,’ but by the sheer potency of your mind, you are Mr./Mrs. Endowed.

Leave it! That’s the fact. A car is a liability. It only depletes your resources; and de-values quite rapidly. The only thing it increases is your face value, which is only for a period of time anyway.

Gold chains, Blackberry phones, trips to Europe......are material things that can be bought. But your mind is an asset that is invaluable. That means you can’t put a price to it.

Today, Mark Zuckerberg can buy whatever it is that he fancies. Come on, the guy is twenty some billion Dollars rich!

If you want the good life, you have to reach deep into your mind and create things. Could be a product, an idea, an invention, a service....anything.  Then, will you be qualified to be called Mr./Mrs. Endowed.